


Deep Breath

by aseriesofessays



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhappiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 01:13:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11772378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aseriesofessays/pseuds/aseriesofessays
Summary: He's not happy but he does it differently from the books, surrounding himself with people who hardly tolerate him and with one night stands and boxing classes and walks for coffee and anything that will fill up his day. He's tired of breathing and he's tired of bouncing around but controlling himself is too hard and too worthless (just like him).And he's tired, but he doesn't sleep, and he can't stay in bed.





	Deep Breath

**Author's Note:**

> projecting? what projecting?

Depression always rests low and thick in his throat, his stomach, his fingertips- it shoots up his arms and pools copper in his mouth, and he can't sit still with it. He reads of people confined to their bed by it but when he's like this all he can do is force himself up, constantly moving, electrified by his own self hatred, knee bouncing like a fucking- god, he can see Enjolras's eyes on him and his spine jolts. He wishes, wishes, wishes he could lock himself away but he goes to clubs and home with someone prettier, funnier, better than him (who's jealous of their one night stands?) and they're too drunk to see his stomach and stubble and how much of a fuck up he is.

He appreciates that more than anything else- alcohol and night blurring away everything but the willing body he is.

He used to go through periods where he was better, where he didn't scroll blankly on his phone at four am instead of sleeping every night, but it's all melted together now. One bad day after another, whole bottles of wine poured down his raw throat, and he can hardly stomach food. It's pathetic that he likes it that way, how Joly doesn't fuss over him because he's never really eaten, not as long as they've known each other, and he's always drunk too much of the time. (Not that he'd worry anyways- Grantaire's ahead of himself, too presumptuous, who'd care about _him_?)

He's high energy and laughing, raising a toast to Enjolras and his grand ideas and grinning at the Amis, scattered around him, and he doesn't _look_ sad. He laughs and tells Bahorel yes, please, introduce him to his boxer buddy so he'll fucking get rid of Grantaire once and for all, he jokes about breaking a glass and falling on it, _thank god_ , and- and, jesus, he means every word of it, because he'd kill himself in a second if he ever worked up the damn guts to do it.

He thinks it's the funniest thing in the world that they only think there might be something wrong with him when he starts dating Montparnasse- Jehan touches his arm and asks gently if he's alright because he's holding Mont's hand too tight, two pale corpses, and he giggles until Mont kisses him to shut him the fuck up. They fight bloody every night, leave bite marks and bruises _when_ they fuck, and maybe it's cliche but Grantaire hopes he's the one to kill him. It's not love but it's something warm, at least, and he's left a little colder when Mont breaks it off for someone predictably prettier.

He's back to the clubs the next night, to drink and dance and fuck.

\---

He's not happy but he does it differently from the books, surrounding himself with people who hardly tolerate him and with one night stands and boxing classes and walks for coffee and anything that will fill up his day. He's tired of breathing and he's tired of bouncing around but controlling himself is too hard and too worthless (just like him).

And he's tired, but he doesn't sleep, and he can't stay in bed.

\---

He's not happy.

**Author's Note:**

> might continue this, probably not 
> 
> my url is lesgrandtears.tumblr.com


End file.
